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THE NEWSLETTER OF THE SQUIRMISH EMAIL CLUB | VOLUME 1 NUMBER 5
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HAIRY SQUIRMUSS, PAL!
'Tis the season to be brawling! Fall down with a flop! A BOP BAM BOOM!
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It's the most volatile time of the year!
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Indeed, December is the season of fighting!
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When all your third cousins, uncles and ankles show up at the house for whatever moldy old holiday they're into, and to sleep in your hay loft, eat your burnt croutons and share their idiot views on politics, meat and the benefits of tin-foil hats, why not beat the nog out of them... with cards!
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Introduce the whole family to YOUR holiday... Squirmuss, the holiday of card-battling! Yes, the age-old tradition of fighting with cards has always been the best way to pummel your family without ending up in prison!
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There are already less than 4 weeks until Squirmuss Day (December 26th)!
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Are you ready for Squirmuss? Have you burned any holiday croutons? Did you put bells on your brass knuckles? Where did you throw the missle toad? Have you memorized all your favorite Squirmuss sea shanties? Did you decorate your venus flytraps?
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Most importantly, did you hang your stinkiest socks next to the toilet to ward off St. Thick?
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Well, I'm afraid it is too late for that one. St. Thick has already popped up the toilet with his plastic bag full of Squirmish cards, ready to rumble!
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(I actually suspect the stinky socks may summon him).
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St. Thick is a powerful Squirmish card, indeed... especially during the Squirmuss holiday season. His special ability is date-sensitive!
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SEASON’S BEATINGS
In December you may say this card's battle cry before any attack by any card to do +1 DAMAGE. On December 26th (Squirmuss Day) it does +2 DAMAGE.
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Also, if you hurry, (while supplies last) you can also get a St. Thick card for the Squirmish tabletop game! To get one, just post absolutely anything you want to post about Squirmish anywhere at all on the internet, and email a link to what you posted to info(at)squirmish.net (along with your postal address). Once St. Thick knows your address, he will be stinking up your mailbox toot sour!
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SQUIRMISH: THE VIDEOGAME IS CURRENTLY $1.95 (72% OFF) UNTIL DECEMBER 4TH FOR THE STEAM AUTUMN SALE!
Wait, but didn't you just say that in the headline?!?
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You're talking to yourself.
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So what if I am? Look, I'll say it again:
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And I said I said that! I mean, what else am I going to say about it? Seems pretty self-explanatory to just say:
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But that would be a confusing lie, and I am a straight-shooter who does not wish to mislead you. You can tell that is the truth because, if you look at the last sentence, it says so right there. What more proof do you need?
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Why, it does say it right there in plain English, so I guess it must be true! I believe you. Now can you please shut up? I realize that:
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Excellent! "BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!" as they say in the smarmy pitchman business!
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I thought I politely asked you to please shut up?
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Are you really asking? Because, like I already pointed out, I'm you... so I think you already know the answer. For this you keep nattering on?
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Maybe I'm not talking to you?
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OK, OK already! Are you about done?
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Is your wallet still in your pocket? No, I'm not done!
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There is a t-shirt available for every Squirmish character... except for the ones there aren't! All 70 characters from the original deck are there... and if you have a favorite character you are not seeing there yet, email us at info(at)squirmish.net and we'll get it on there for you faster than you can read the Gettysburg Address!
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All of our t-shirts are print-on-demand... which means, if you order one, you could possibly be the only person in the world with your favorite Squirmish character on a shirt!
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Or, if you really want to be unique, you could order two shirts of your favorite Squirmish character, and you could possibly be the only person in the world wearing two shirts of that character!
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Better yet, you could order three shirts of that character, wear them all, and stand on your head drinking a glass of water while humming "I'm a Little Teapot!" Surely there would not be another person wearing three shirts of their favorite Squirmish character while standing on their head drinking a glass of water and humming "I'm a Little Teapot."
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I actually was standing on my head just yesterday, casually drinking a glass of water while humming "I'm a Little Teapot," and coincidentally I was wearing three shirts of the person reading this email's favorite Squirmish character. Have you been spying on me?
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I thought you were gone. I am you, remember?
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THE SQUIRMISH ARCADE CABINET OF CURIOSITIES
Since I as a kid, I always wanted my own arcade cabinet. Since my pal Jeff and I made the Squirmish videogame, it seemed like I fun possibility to build an arcade cabinet to play it on.
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First I acquired an antique steamer trunk for fifteen bucks. Most antiques are expensive, but the enormous, impractical and unwieldy ones like pianos, armoires and steamer trunks are often available on the cheap.
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The guy on Craiglist told me how his family had brought it over from Norway back in the 1800s. I did not mention my plans for his cherished family heirloom to him, although I'm confident his ancestors would be pleased to know that the trunk they labored to haul half-way across the world had such a grand destiny.
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I soon went to work on the trunk, giving it a new coat of Squirmish green paint! I gave them the hex color for the green at the hardware store, and they did a darn good match of it.
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Next, I mounted a cheap tablet device on each side to accommodate multi-player gaming. I loaded them up with Squirmish on Steam, and set one side to default to Orange Generic Guy and the other side to default to Blue Generic Guy.
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Next, I added stickers! Lots of them. I printed them out on my printer, cut them out carefully by hand and covered them up nice and snug with a couple coats of glossy Mod Podge.
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Then I added some buttons and switches to make it looks properly electronical! A switch and a shiny red button on each side below the screens. The switch to turn the fun on and off, and the shiny red button to release some of the fun should the fun become too overwhelming.
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I put an led strip inside to randomly light up the the light covers I put on the outside. I plugged the tablets and the LED lights into a power strip which can be plugged into a portable battery that easily fits inside, or I can plug it into a socket, running a cord through a little door I cut into the back of the trunk.
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I also added some wheels to it so I can ride it around like a hot rod (as long as I only travel downhill). The wheels also make it pretty easy to carry a decent-sized load of Squirmish stuff to different local events.
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I initially displayed it with some legs could screw onto it, but my friend Brad pointed out that it was too top-heavy, and I was asking for trouble... so now I display it on a wee portable folding table.
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But what about the insides? The guts! Well, that is where the curiosities go!
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In there I built a display for the new SQUIRMISH LIMITED 2024 ARTIST EDITION BATTLE TIN.
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Here is a diagram outlining the details of what the tin contains (you can click on it to see a larger version).
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I've only been selling the tins at personal appearances and at the wonderful Twin Cities store Odd Mart rather than online. There are only 100 of them to unload, so it didn't seem worth the trouble of selling them online. In the event any of you exclusive members of the Squirmish Email Club want to buy one, though, I definitely want you to get one. They are $50, so it would run you that plus whatever it costs to ship and insure. If you want one, contact me at info(at)squirmish.net and we'll get it figured out.
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Getting back to the Cabinet...
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Finally, I added some other info and decorations. You may think the image in the lid came with the trunk, but no! It shows my ancestors and their trusty mule Trixie as they crossed the ocean, bringing Squirmish over from the old country. Back then, Squirmish cards were hand-painted by trained, poorly-paid artisans on steel plates covered in tanned weasel leather. The cards were almost as big as a velocipede wheel! It took a small team of street urchins working in unison to shuffle a deck. My ancestors' wagon was only big enough to carry a single deck.
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Today, of course, I can carry many decks in my rolling cabinet of wonders. Such is the march of progress!
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If you're in the Twin Cities, keep an eye out... the Squirmish Arcade Cabinet of Curiosities may soon be at a store near you!
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UPCOMING APPEARANCE
In the event you would like to meet me in the flesh, meat and bone, and you live in or near the Twin Cities, I'll be at this event tomorrow:
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Small Business Saturday Funhouse at:
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Odd Mart
2520 Lyndale Ave. S.
Minneapolis, MN
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REVIEWS, GAMEPLAY VIDEOS, ETC.
We got a couple new short & sweet reviews for the videogame on Steam:
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A very sincere THANKS to all of you who have helped get the word out about Squirmish, whether by telling your pals (and battling them), leaving online reviews, whispering subliminally in the ears of the slumbering, walking down the street with a megaphone yelling at strangers, leaving messages in holes in trees, or other word-of-mouth, nose or whatever-orifice-is-available. It's a real uphill battle getting the word out about anything these days, let alone our ridiculous, crass little card-battling game, and I can't tell you how much we appreciate hearing about it when the word of our goof-of-a-game gets passed around.
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Again, if you post something online about Squirmish, let us know at info(at)squirmish.net and before you know it St. Thick will magically arrive in your mailbox. Please don't let that stop you, though.
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RECENT SQUIRMISH ART
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Thanks again for playing Squirmish!
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